Category Archives: Blogs

She Yearns For A Hug

Required reading in high school was always daunting.

My high school didn’t offer Creative Writing as an English class while I was there, which bothered me to no end. I gladly would have taken that class instead of AP English Language. I tested out of the remedial 101/102 classes when I headed off to college. I knew I would, so I felt absolutely no disappointment when I scored a two on both my AP English tests.

Out of the many books we were required to read, I enjoyed only a few. King Lear, Romeo & Juliet, Regeneration, All Quiet On The Western Front; these books I happily read. I barreled through The Great Gatsby even, but didn’t really enjoy it until choosing to read it again a decade later. Everything else, though, I don’t remember reading.

There was one book that stood out. I devoured every page and wanted the story to never finish. I cried, I smiled, I fell madly in love with the art of storytelling. The book shocked me, and it seemed to speak to me directly. I felt as though the author wrote this book specifically and solely for me.

I’m certain I was required to read this book twice in high school. Or, I was required once, and decided to reread it for an elective book for different class. Whatever the case, I happily read it again.

This is a book that I feel everyone who speaks English should read, even if English is not their native tongue. It’s a famous story, but often not fully understood. You can say the title and people immediately recognize it. But, that doesn’t mean they’ve read it. People usually think of the horror movies that take very loose liberty with the plot. To this day, especially now, I find myself having to describe the plot and talk about the incredibly obvious themes, and explain that, while entertaining, the cheesy B-List horror movies that people automatically think of are somewhat of a disgrace, as there is so much more oomph and depth and enlightenment to the actual story.

Can you guess what the book is yet? I’m sure some of you can. If you’ve taken any honors English classes in high school or are an English Literature major, well, duh. Of course you should be able to guess!

My copy from high school started to fall apart a long time ago. It kept me company when I went off to college the first time round. About six or seven years ago, I finally replaced my well worn copy. This new(er) copy remains present on my nightstand. Sometimes, it gets place on my bookshelf if I’m engrossed in other books. Whatever the case, it is within reach. I have periods in my life that seem heavier, darker, and more introspective. This is when I really yearn for this book. I always want to get lost in the story, hoping to find a different answer or clue. I know that whilst getting lost in the words, I’ll come through the experience renewed and hopeful. People have often questioned why. There isn’t a concrete explanation as to why. I just know that the themes of loss & yearning, motherhood (creation, compassion), consciousness, free will, and good v. evil speak volumes to my soul. You have a man playing God, and let’s be real, he’s not very successful. We have a champion, a hero in this story, and it’s certainly not the man playing God. At least, I don’t find him to be any kind of hero. I hope that those of you who’ve read this book agree with me, or can, at least, understand where I am coming from.

If you haven’t guessed the book by now, shame on you! No, I kid. You don’t have to know what it is.

The one book that I keep coming back to is Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Holy hell, this book is phenomenal. It cranks my gears. It makes me happy. It inspires me to read and write and create. For me, Frankenstein is one of those stories that stands the test of time. It touches on humanity in such a way that, even in our tech savvy times, we can all pick a theme or three from it, and acknowledge them within ourselves.

Seriously, though, if you haven’t read it already, go read it as soon as possible. Take your time with it. Digest it. Let the words dance around your mind. Then, go give your loved ones a hug.

Second Time Around

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If You Stare, You Pay

The shakes, the racing heart, the sweat, the confusion. They happen every single time.

This is nothing new, and it happens all the time. The moment puberty hit, speaking in front of and to a large group of people has been really uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I thrive in large groups of people. I’m often the life of the party and would rather be surrounded by people than be alone. But, having to deliver news, information, or any kind of speech to more than three people? I’d really rather not.

I am sure many of you feel the same way. It takes a certain personality to be comfortable speaking eloquently to a large audience. One of my favorite public speakers is Martin Luther King, Jr. How he managed to calmly talk to thousands of people blows my mind. Never faltering, always level, he managed to get his message across with love and strength. I wish I had that ability.

But, I don’t.

I get nervous and clam up. My heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. My palms get sweaty, and I shake very noticeably. I’m never confident that what I am about to say is real, true, correct, or even kind. I’m too concerned with making everyone happy, and I’m equally as concerned that I won’t sound intelligent enough. Sounding intelligent is a very big issue I constantly struggle with.

Casually put me in a room with a bunch of people, though, and I can wax poetic in small conversations about things I am passionate about. The desire to sound intelligent melts away. If I’m wrong or confusing, I’ll gladly take that to heart and seek out the correct information. A casual conversation has never been an issue, and probably never will be.

So, at 33, I’ve decided that if I ever am put in a situation that requires me to speak to a large group of people, I better get paid. That way, I will have the financial resources to research what I’m speaking about. And, I’ll have the financial resources to get help for the fear of public speaking. I promise, therapy is wonderful. Therapy is a great tool to guide people in positive directions. However, good therapy isn’t always cheap. For public speaking, I know that I would need an actual, physical human opposite me, giving me the right tools to melt the fear away.

Fear of public speaking is very real and very legitimate. Delivering information to large numbers of people requires a somewhat deep understanding of what is being discussed. It also requires the belief that what is being said is real, true, and correct. [Not all speeches have merit or are true. Look at Adolf Hitler. One of the things he is known for is his public speaking skills. Was a lot of what he said good or right? Of course not. But, he believed it, and that allowed him to be firm in what he said.] I’m decently educated. I attempted a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications and a minor in English Literature. I’m two classes away from a Paralegal Associate of Arts degree, and plan on eventually going back to university and getting a BA. But, I’m not educated perfectly. There are a lot of things in this world that I have to learn about. There is only a small handful of things I can comfortably talk about, and I know that there is a lot more to learn about these things. With that knowledge about myself, I am naturally scared that I will be judged by people listening. I automatically think to myself, “who here knows more than I do and will want to immediately judge and correct me?” I don’t mind being corrected. I welcome being corrected. But, the judgement? That’s scary.

Long story short: if I am going to be watched and stared at, someone better pay me.

Naked with Black Socks

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Our Favorite Books and Why We Love Them

There are some standard reads in here that everyone is recommended to read in high school honors English & college Literature classes. And, there are a couple others that I haven’t heard of. Good list!

The Daily Post

At Automattic, we have a plethora of book lovers. We love to read and we love to share. And today, we’re going to share books we’ve loved with you, in the hopes that you’ll return the favor and share your favorite books with us in the comments.

lorilooLori McLeese

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
Joan Didion allows us into her year after her husband, Gregory Dunne, died. I read this book once or twice a year, and it always brings tears, though I know the outcome. It’s not a romanticized love story, it’s a real love story, and it’s about those incredible, raw, numbing, forgetful moments you find yourself emerged in as grief washes over you.

My favorite passage:

Was it about faith or was it about grief?

Were faith and grief the same thing?

Were we unusually dependent on one another the summer we swam and…

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Cultivating Joy

We are more than halfway through the year and the time has flown by. For the first six months, I barreled through a full time school scheduled and attempted to work 20-25 hours on top of that. I understand that there are people who work full time while going to school full time and are able to make that happen. For some reason, I can’t quite get that balance. I would love to be able to do that, but in the last few months, I seemed to sink back into an incredibly blue, lost place. I struggled to get out of bed every day. I found little joy in anything, even doing school work – something I had been enjoying thoroughly up until April.

A couple weeks ago, I became frustrated with myself for allowing myself to sink back into an uncomfortably comfortable depression. The frustration doesn’t help, it doesn’t solve any problem. So, in the last few days, a mild shift happened. Putting on jeans that felt fine now feel a bit too tight. My torso is rounder than usual, and that’s awful, because my torso is already too soft.

And, let’s be real: I simply don’t want to be unhealthy, mentally and physically. I need to be healthy.

I devised a plan. Every single day, I have to do something creative, I have to do something physical, and I absolutely have to be grateful for something. How will I accomplish that? Write somewhere what (or who) I am grateful for. If it is a person, I will tell them. And, if I have ten spare minutes, I have to write down exactly how I am feeling or have felt that day. Twice, if not three times, a week I will go to the gym, even if I get on the treadmill for just 20 minutes. Four or five times a week, I will pick up the weights I have sitting in my room and MOVE. Even if I just do steps back and forth with weights in my hand while I watch a movie, that’s still movement. Once or twice a week I will do one of the many doable workouts I found on YouTube. I will set up a reward system for every hour of school work I do each day. Another thing I need to do is write down everything I eat and drink. Mindful eating and consumption is a practice that is effective in my life. By being accountable for how I am treating my body, I will become happier with myself.

One thing I plan on doing that isn’t going to be a daily thing will be the upkeep of my blogs. Twice a week I will do a post at any three of my blogs. I will write about whatever book I have just read, new music I’ve been enjoying, exercise that is fun & effective, fun craft projects I’ve done, and many more.

With all of these simple things I am going to do, I am going to mark reminders on my wall calendar and I am going to set up reminders on my phone. If I don’t see or hear any reminders, I won’t stick to the plan. Right now, I am hopeful. The anxiety that was surging through my body earlier has subsided. I’m excited to go to the gym tomorrow before work. I can’t wait to finish my book this weekend.

What do you to keep yourself happy and excited about life? Please share!

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Reborn

Daily Post, January 2nd 2014:
When you look back at your blog on January 2, 2015, what would you like to see?

There has been a lot of talk about writing more. In the last few years, I have gotten frustrated with myself because the writing seems to come to a complete halt for a few months at a time. I’d give up, move on to something a little more shiny, then forget I was even writing in the first place.

What happens when I don’t write regularly? I get antsy, frenetic, and combustible. Can a frenetic being be combustible? Am I being redundant? That’s what happens when I don’t write. I lose my focus and forget what words mean. That is very serious.

By January 2nd, 2015, I hope to have a combination of 156 blog posts. That means each blog of mine needs to be posted in once a week. Guess what? I’ve challenged myself to write a blog post every single day of January. I never promised I’d write a post in every blog every day of January. Ninety-three posts? Yikes. No thank you! With the 156 posts, I am allowing myself to not beat myself up if I miss a week.

Apart from frequency, I hope to see more viewership and subscribers. But, I think that goes for most bloggers. Many of us are writing to have our voices heard. Some readers might not like what we have to say and that is allowed. Humanity would be really boring if we all felt and thought exactly the same way. To boost viewership, I think I am going to start YouTubing. Depending on the response I get, I may do one vlog a month. If I manage to entertain enough people, I may vlog once a week later in the year.

Lastly, I am going to actually start writing about concerts I go to, books a read, and movies I have enjoyed seeing. That was the original purpose of my blogging, so why not get down to business? And, I plan on actually having some vacation time this year. I deserve it. I have been working hard at school while trying to not let work in a retail environment get me too wired. I want to be able to sit outside and look out at a lake or the ocean with a cup of tea, a book, and a pen & some paper. I would love to be still for awhile… Still…

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New Habits

Every year, I always tell myself I am going to write more. Somehow I seem to fall short a few months into the year. This year, 2014, I feel it is going to be different. Now I have three blogs going and am back in school, I have more passion in my life. The environment I have chosen to be in cultivates the habit of writing and learning and general curiosity.

On a friend’s Facebook page, she mentioned a site called 750 Words. I wish I had heard about it two days sooner! The premise of the site is that you are to write at least 750 words a day. No one (but the site admin, I assume) has access to what you write, so you can write whatever you want. Some people use it to help with their writing skills, others use it as a therapeutic tool, and some use it to get their creative juices flowing. I am so grateful to have found this site! Within half an hour of signing up, I was able to write almost twelve hundred words (I’m not a fast typer, I just have a lot to say).

For any of you who are creative in any way, please use this tool! It is a great way to help break up any blockage you may be experiencing!

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Where In The World?

Actually, where in cyberspace??

I just wanted to update everyone on my social media presence. When you have a moment, please take a gander and hit like or follow or subscribe!

DJ Toaster Biscuit on Tumblr
Ellie McHale on Instagram
DJ Toaster Biscuit on Facebook
Ellie McHale Photography on Facebook
DJ Toaster Biscuit on Twitter
LoveNugget on Twitter
Ellie McHale on Bloglovin’
Ellie McHale on Kickstarter
Ellie McHale on Etsy
Ellie McHale on Klout
Ellie McHale on Linkedin

Also, please swing by my two other blogs I seem to post more often at:
DJ Toaster Biscuit
Daily Ellie

The more followers, likes, subscribers, etc. I get, I’ll actually start posting vlogs on my YouTube channel! The channel exists, but there’s one embarrassing video. If you’d like to actually hear & see me talk, support me these other ways! And I am always open to suggestions as to what you’d like me to write & talk about.

Thank you!!!

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50 Facts About Ellie, part 2

Some of you may have snuck over here from part 1 of this list featured on Daily Ellie. If you haven’t and would like to take a look at it, please do! Things might make more sense if you do, although I’ve tried my best to keep things fairly random.

  1. In high school, my favorite band was The Black Crowes. I still love them and am kicking myself for not figuring out a way to catch one of their gigs on this tour. However, a few years ago, a friend had a spare ticket to The Black Crowes & Tom Petty at the Berkeley Greek. I happened to be available that evening. It was a phenomenal evening & I am happy I got to see TBC live. [I’ve seen Tom Petty live I few times, but he’s still amazing.]
  2. One of my first concerts I went to was Tom Petty when I was six or seven. My parents are very hip & were happy to bring my brother and I along to concerts when we were children. I remember two people with really long silky hair dressed in leather pants & vests dancing in the aisle next to us. They must have seen how into the music I was and invited me to dance with them. My parents were completely fine with that invitation, so I joined them and danced my tiny six (or seven?) year old bottom off. I remember having the time of my life.
  3. When I’m having a hormonal few days, I’ll eat one or two teaspoons of coconut oil before bed. The taste is soothing and my bad food cravings diminish.
  4. I love the smell of coconut. I love the taste of coconut water & coconut oil. But, I’m not a fan of most dishes prepared with coconut meat or coconut milk. I’ve found I’m still on the fence when it comes to Thai cuisine because of that fact alone.
  5. I was born in London, am still a UK citizen & a US Permanent Resident. My mother is first generation Irish-English. My dad is half Irish, half English. My paternal grandfather (who is Irish) was born in Agra, India and spent the first couple years of his life there.
  6. I want to visit India because of the fact my grandfather was born there. There are a few things stopping me. Mainly, I can’t afford the flight to and from India. Also, I wouldn’t know where to start or what to do. I don’t want to go there alone. I’d rather visit with two or three other people I know well, one of whom who has travelled throughout India or is a native of India.
  7. My top five favorite movies are:
    Bonnie & Clyde
    Singin’ in the Rain
    Boys On The Side
    Fried Green Tomatoes
    The Wizard of Oz
  8. I miss the hustle & bustle of London. I also get nostalgic for London circa mid-90s. That was a rad time, especially Camden. I’d love to live in Camden for awhile.
  9. I’d love to work for Ren Skincare. It’s such a simple and straightforward skincare line that offers amazing results. No, they aren’t paying me to say that, otherwise I’d actually be working for them!!
  10. I’ve finally chosen a degree. I am pursuing an AA in Paralegal Studies. My goal is to power through all of my required classes and be done by August next year. When I’m done, I am going to take a month or two off and travel around Europe going North West to South East. I’ve accumulated enough airline miles to get me between the US and Europe, so all I’ll have to worry about is lodging and food. Soon, I’ll start doing some research & chatting with friends who’ve done a lot of traveling.
  11. If I could stand the nitty gritty of veterinary school & everything else being a doctor entails, I’d probably be a licensed veterinarian by now.
  12. My parents got me in a swimming pool as soon as they got the okay, creating a major water baby. I don’t remember learning how to swim. In my active memory of my entire life, swimming has always been a part of it. I used to scare people when I when I was really young. At three or four, I’d take off running into the pool. Moments later my head would pop up & I’d paddle around giggling. It took me years to realize that not everyone knows how to swim. I’d always assumed that swimming was innate. Working as a lifeguard & swim instructor, I enjoyed teaching young children water safety and developing their swimming strength. The true reward was teaching adults how to swim.
  13. About four years ago, I injured my shoulder snowboarding. I didn’t have health insurance at the time, so I didn’t get it tended to. Now, it gets irritated if I don’t sleep well or if it is cold out. I haven’t let it stop me from snowboarding or doing any kind of strenuous physical exercise.
  14. I have also sprained my right ankle five times. It is now in a permanent minor swollen state. Every time I run or am on my feet for more than four hours, the swelling gets worse. Like my shoulder, I don’t let it stop me from being active. If I still have full mobility, I’m not going to stop moving. I don’t take my physical abilities for granted. I’m grateful I can go for a run or a swim or jump on a trampoline.
  15. Twice, I have participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Overnight walk. The first time I participated was in 2011 in New York City, and I made a week long vacation out of it. Last year, the event was held here in San Francisco. The event is approximately 18 miles long and starts at about 6.30 or 7.30pm. My legs were made to move, so each time I was able to finish the walk in about five and a half hours. This year I wasn’t able to participate as they didn’t announce the city with enough time for me to plan. I’m considering participating next year, but I have to decide soon. It’s a great cause that raises funds to help with mental health research & support.
  16. People have told me I’d fare well in the South. I don’t know if I should take it as a compliment or an insult. I’ve told myself to take it as a compliment and attribute it to my respect for respect. I’m a huge fan of manners & social graces. I believe in holding the door for women with children or those older than me. I believe in offering my seat to those who might need it more than me. I love “please” and “thank you” and know that a smile speaks volumes. I also believe that there is a way of being honest without being rude. I’ve found that people in the South and Northeast parts of the USA value manners and honesty, things the West Coast seem to lack.
  17. I love Bikram yoga, but sometimes my shoulder hinders my ability to do it. That’s why I’m still searching for an instructor that is patient & educational The one instructor I used to take classes from switched yoga centers and I have no idea where she teaches now…
  18. I loved sleep away summer camp as a kid, and wish I spent the entire summer at camp instead of just a week or two. If I ever have kids, sleep away summer camp will be essential.
  19. If marriage is in the cards for me, I definitely want to elope. A low key party would be in order though. It’ll be our way of saying “surprise, we’re married!!”
  20. I love roses. I love the way they look. I love the way they smell. And, I love skincare that is rose based. However, I don’t like receiving roses. Giving roses are very cliche. I’m not a roses as a gift, date on Valentine’s day type of girl.
  21. My favorite kind of dessert is a fresh pear or two with some agave syrup & roasted, salted almonds. YUM!
  22. I love red wine, but rarely drink it anymore. Pinot Noir is my go to wine.
  23. Sometimes, I crave raw onions. In fact, there has been an instance the craving was so severe I had to peel an onion and bite into it like an apple. Two bites and my craving was gone. One of my favorite snacks is popcorn with salt and onion powder. That keeps the craving at bay.
  24. Another dream job I have is a holistic nutritional counselor. I’m always on the hunt for a legitimate educational program to help me on that journey. If I get back into shape and become super regular with my fitness, I may even become a certified physical trainer which will allow me to incorporate nutritional counseling as part of my service.
  25. I love to laugh. That’s why my DVD collection is full of silly comedies. This means that I am exceedingly the Dumb and Dumber sequel has been confirmed.
  26. (Since I love mutiples of three, number 26, which is technically number 51, is your lucky cherry.) I love the idea of World Peace, which is why the best way to describe my political leaning & overall world view falls closest to Libertarian-socialist ideas. Deal with it. I am who I am. 🙂
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Girl of 100 Lists

Interesting, lovely, and list inspiring.

American Vagabond

il_570xN.369364163_qrgdWhen I started writing this blog (over 7 years ago!) I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn’t know that complete strangers would be interested in what I have to say, nor did I have any idea that I would one day develop a small but fierce following. I also had no idea how popular my “lists” would be. I thought I was alone in this, but it seems everybody likes to read a good list.

Lists are more than just a cool way of putting information together. Umberto Eco once said, “The list is the origin of culture”. I agree. I find making lists cathartic and useful in gauging the pulse of the average human. Lists are very much a part of today’s cultural currency, and a way for people like me to participate in the world around me. Lists are the great equalizer –…

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A Letter…

A letter I could have written once or twice… To men I thought I loved, who certainly lost me, and one I wish I never met in the first place.

Thought Catalog


To the girl I loved and lost,

I woke up yesterday from a dream that we were lying in bed together on some lazy Sunday morning. You were talking to your mom on the phone and pretending you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and dozed off. I could almost smell your skin and feel the warmth of your naked body against mine until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Your absence from my bed served as a painful and palpable reminder that you are gone.

I know we’re not talking right now, but it’s late on the day that I start my new life and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’m going to be doing it all alone. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to my new job knowing that when I get home…

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